Von Natalie //
该怎么解释Jugendseminar是一种什么样的生活。
这里“流传”很多预言，关于经历危机，关于破茧成蝶与自我的诞生。我最初很不愿相信这些预言，似乎我无法自由地决定我的经历和感受，但是我又不得不承认，这些预言似乎也在指引着我。
当下的我，正处在“茧”的阶段，经历困难、痛苦与转化，体验到非常多的两级：
我不断地在流里面做事、学习、思考、问自己问题、跳音语舞，在整个房子里跑上跑下，精力充沛到不需要休息；但我也（艰难地允许自己）虚度很多时间，只是坐在阳光中，或者每天用两个小时看见、听见、拥抱一个人。
我感到被各种各样的感情塞满，我欣喜，我深深地悲伤；我感到自己强大独立，又感到自己渺小无力；我憧憬未来，我恐惧未来；我热烈地爱身边的人，我也强烈抗拒着这感受。
我正经历人生中最最开心的一段时光，也同时经历了人生中精神状态最不稳定的一段时光。我感到被我的社群极度包裹，强烈体验安全与信任，却也体验了强烈的自我怀疑，甚至对身体失去控制，思绪完全脱缰，无论如何也无法理清和试图表达。
但是我感到非常非常鲜活。
就算依旧对信任有很大的恐惧，我真实地体验到，春假回到Seminar之前的两天，我疯狂地思念着这里的一切，似乎真正在想家。
很多旧的东西被打破，包括我绝没想到的东西。我全新地认识我自己。这是我在这里的原因。
How should I explain my life at Jugendseminar to you?
We are all aware of the “prophecies” in the seminar: about the crisis in the second trimester; about the caterpillar, the cocoon, and the butterfly; about the birth of self. I actually did not want to believe in these “prophecies”. They seem to set a clear path for me, as if I could not freely choose what I experience and how I feel. Nevertheless, I have to admit that some of these “prophecies” are truly too accurate, which gave me confidence in my process as well.
I am in my “cocoon” phase at the moment, experiencing difficulties, challenges, and transformation.
I experience a lot of polarity:
I simply do a lot in the flow. I learn, I think, I ask questions to myself; I do Eurythmy; I run up and down in the house countless times a day, having so much energy that I don’t need breaks at all. But I also (rather difficulty allowing myself) waste a lot of time, simply sit in the sun, or spend two hours a day to see, to listen to, and to hug another human being.
I feel stuffed by so many feelings. I feel joy, I feel deep grief. I feel so strong and independent, I feel so weak and powerless. I embrace my future, but I am so scared of the future. I love the people around me with so much passion, but I also feel so repulsive to this love and connection.
I am experiencing one of the happiest times in my life, but I have also experienced the most mentally unstable time in my life. The community carries me with warmth and power, where I feel really safe and trust. But I also had so much doubt in everything. I experienced losing control of myself, of my body. My thinking could fly completely on its own, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot sort it out and express it so that it somehow makes sense.
But I feel very, very alive, and I appreciate this feeling from the deepest of my heart.
Although I still have a lot of fear in trusting deeply, I realized that before coming back from the trimester holiday, I truly felt that I was missing home.
So many old things in me are breaking apart, things that I would have never imagined. I am getting to know myself anew. This is the reason why I am here.